Go figure. You think you are completely over them but letting them in too soon gives them the opening to triangulate, manipulate and mind phuck. The illness ot causes tumors has been back for 10 months.New and long gone with the other woman, I am not part of his circle of friends and family. This was via email. Stay strong and stay No Contact. -A memory loss as to the actual happenings being discussed That person we all fell so in Love with doesnt exist -Financial Exploitation. []. He cannot even look me in the eye and refuses to communicate with me regarding the kids. My Narc dropeed me after an arguement we had and we were together 8 years. NEXT, I am a small woman and live on my ownnobody. He told the police that he is done whatever that means. He said almost nothing about his childhood, and seemed to have no sentimental memory of anything. The reason you feel this way is not only because of how you were treated but because youve effectively internalized the way the narcissist has conditioned you to feel. I told him I would see him only if he would open up to me and be his true self. Im still trying to get over a 10-year thing with a narc woman. You can only control yourself. They are a threat to are well being and we have to keep them away from us although we still love them in their brokenness. But later i felt he was meaning it. 4. I have been going to therapy for the month and will be moving out next month. Furthermore, if you are not referring to the image on this particular post, then you should send a document that is not macro-enabled, since these often contain viruses. They whip themselves into a frenzy because they need your supply to maintain their false image. Thank you for this.. Dear Ellen, Mine doesnt do many of the overtly mean things that people write about. Plus, there is a disorder, that manifests as BPD psychopathy, but is not. Its hard to resist, I know, when they start acting the romantic, but its important to remember its just an act. But, I took him back, through out our relationship he seemed so desperate for female attention, massive amounts of porn, talking about sex with girls, behind my back, secrets and lies that are now coming to shine. While he has his Triumph. Pfffft, again masking, trying to show me he has moved on and how me asking him to leave has not affected him. Thats the thing, any female is going to be neglected if they are involved with Cameron in any way friend, colleague, lover, boyfriend, father, son, brother. He started putting likes on my posts on Instagram. Cry it out, talk to friends and family, write it down, cry some more, talk to a therapist, read all about it, share your story..and day by day, piece by piece put yourself back together. Since 2012 my ex hasnt done anything for our kids including being a father. Your ex is probably screwing someone else, since he cant have sex with the new one. Theyll see you living the good life, going on vacations, eating out at exclusive restaurants, and spending time with your new boo. I miss her. But that is better than being an emotional wreck every day like I was in the beginning. He knows what I think of him. It makes me question what is real and what isnt. Even when things are good you feel like you are standing on quicksand. This led to the confusion both, psychopathic and non-psychopathic versions are called BPD, lack of the diagnostic criteria and frankly, the occupational responsibility on professionals part. He will never make a good partner with anyone and is destined to go through life never knowing real happiness. As soon as I read, he treated me like a queen when he wasnt a crazy maker the BPD read signalled in my brain. I still think about her every damn day and even had a dream the other night that she came back into my life with an apology for her behavior. The emotionally and financially damage is done and cannot be corrected, as one cannot travel back in time. She cant hold down a job event though she is amazing at what she does and always gets great pay but has never once saved any. I was one of his secrets too! When I started questioning his hobbies/spendings/ more female friends (I had enough), the devalue followed by discard happened. It was one date and done, but I occasionally every blue moon thought of her and how she was doing these days. and they know exactly what they are doing they know right from wrong, good from bad Id never met her children Two days later i went to my mother. I left my ex in March because the fights kept escalating and he was becoming increasingly disrespectful. We have gone through a lot so we are stronger then ever and then most couples. Uncovering the Mystery Behind Narcissism Youll Be Shocked! The next day, Sunday, Im sitting on my laptop with my phone on the arm of my chair and it goes off; I look at itits the ex. Her house. It took me 48 years to finally go to NC. That is something that will take time. and they just couldnt care less, they couldnt even care less what its doing to you the one they say they Love. Once they do, they will start fighting back by creating a trauma bond. I caught him lying about another girl again, my best friend that hes living with he left me and went right to her house, Im assiming its not innocent like they say is it? To some extent I think there is the false assumption that people let themselves be treated badly and dont assert their boundaries. Here are 10 things a narcissist does when you start to use No Contact with them: 1. They fear strong women. When I lent it to her, we were actually about as close as friends as we had been, and spoke on the phone several times over the next month after lending her the money. A checklist of narcissistic douche-canoe behaviors | Process of Elimination. Its a process but eventually u will get there. Since I feel like the walking dead and a non-functional parasite to society, any suggestions on what can I do? For me its only a week. Even though its recently ended, he has tried to regain contact, to which I originally thought he must want control over me again. A few reasons why people want the narcissist to hoover. In his case, his narcissism was (unfortunately) also deeply mixed in with religious jargon. We do that subconsciously in order to correct the unworthy feelings we had as a child, but only, that never happens with a narcissist. I am being troubled by the narcissist in this exact way I was very surprised to find a message of his in my email system from 01/01/15 and today a week later a text from his number repeating his wish to make a fresh start, Discussing this with some trusted others one of whom commented that this is a good thing, that I should accept this olive branch then they go one to admonish me for saying something along the lines of not in a million years placing me in the wrong and on the defencive you really cant win with these people can you. I thought nothing of it at the time, as I was just being myself. Making new friends etc. However 18 months in we get to the facts that no matter how infatuated with her I was. After all he loved the idea of you, complimenting his life he never loved you for you. I lost contact with all other family members. But then at some moments it comes back and i miss him. A couple of minutes later, he got in his truck and leftno goodbye, see ya or anything not that I expected it. While some of us are a little more narcissistic than others, very few people are actual . Its hard to see the future without him. I am certain she has done this over and over and over. Aside from that, he seems to have all the blue-print traits of a Narcissist and its very unlikely things will EVER improve. I cannot believe I just am getting it now . I keep trying to justify his behavior. -Their way or the highway Sometimes think i am getting over it. Answer (1 of 35): Really? Narcissists never stop hungering for power, control, and self-gratification. They miss those sick games they once played with you, and the narcissist wants to maintain this. just one day you will feel different and He will answer your fervent prayer I nicely asked him for respect and told him what he was doing was verbally abusive. I dont answer. In retrospect all those times that she said if you cant get me this or that i will find someone that will I never really appreciated the fact that she meant it. I even ready an article where it asked the partner of a narcissist, Are you sleep deprived? And ONLY in the beginning. Who knows. It can be an opening for the narcissist to hoover. I guess the best lesson to the narcs out there, is that they are going to wither away completely unloved and alone, and the N survivors thrive. But i want to give an update to going no contact with my Narcissistic Ex girlfriend. Im not sure. Well scripted text message..His final sentence read Im not a bad man K He left his wife in May and by June he was already having the affair ( which im assuming he pursued the other woman months before and when she finally agreed, he left his x wife). 2 years into the relationship I found on facebook that he had moved in with one of the women on the telephone bill. Also, you are likely experiencing effects of trauma bonding, which is a cognitive, bio-chemical attachment we form to our abuser. If you could read French and see his initial e-mails you might be able to understand how conflicted I am by all of this its not fair that you de-friended me on FB. I signed away rught to sue the cityand had a record of spousal abuse. I am trying desperately to break away but it has been not even 24 hours since last contact and Im clinging to the sad hope that hell reach out to me. Now you've learnt about narcissism, you know all you need to know and what to expect, yet your missing that one piece, the hoover, they just haven't bothered to hoover you, you know all the ways they do this, yet the narcissist you once knew hasn't bothered with any hoover. Takes time. I have no interest. I know him well and everything he does is planned ahead. He however has alluded to pot and cocaine use. She asked for a jury trial. YOUR ABUSIVE. when the narcissist stops contacting you. I want to have a loving partner and its making me self sabotage in ways that I cant even explain. Pathetic I know. Guess it didnt matter to the police that I had marks all over my body and I was actually bleeding on my arm. I am out over 5 years and the first few years post break up were torture. Go inward. But he has taught me the game so now I am always one step ahead of him. NO ONE he knows has seen me, I dont go places I know he goes to, I avoid certain roads at certain times of the day, etc. The Narcissist will make their partner feel incredible, and have answers to seemingly everything. I have nothing to offer. Even as a friend, theyll play the same games they played when you were in a relationship such as revenge, playing the victim, triangulation, and gaslighting. I wont be scared I need to know if someone who is not violent or have never exhibited violent tendencies, but is clearly PD in cluster format can they be sent over the edge? I thought we had resolved our differences. I am not happy as love sick single on holiday. Hello: Thank you for your comment. Before you know it, you have forgiven their faults, had babies by them and years have gon by and now you wish you would have left sooner. I lived for this sparesome moments to see in his soul. Her voice sounded as though she never left high school. Only, now we both know the truth. -An impossible repair as the disagreement gets deeper The cycle of emotional and verbal abuse, the vicious cycle of discard and demeaning of people is atrocious. What was I suppose to do? He obviously couldnt stand being called out on his behavior. -Highly romantic in words; cannot walk the talk So, having read on all these since 2009 so far, I concluded, THIS IS MY VERY SUBJECTIVE CONCLUSION, I WOULDNT TELL ANYONE TO TAKE THIS AT THE FACE VALUE.. all Cluster B disorders COME WITH NPD ANYWAY. It was all about her. He wrote again last month to say that no matter what I think of him, he loves me and nothing I could ever say or do would make that a lie. Hes like yah last few weeks Ive fantasized about it. I think the hardest part for me now is accepting what he is. It was like I dropped off the face of the earth. My siblings, the golden child and enabler. I would like to also add that I love every post as not one of the side topics has been absent in my relationship/experieces. We had been to many counselling sessions I alone went. I love myself through you. Mostly, its the Narcissist sending little texts, showing up at your door with flowers, coming to you because theyve had a life-changing epiphany, where through some kind of divine intervention, theyve been shown the pain and sorrow they put you through and promise to change. We both need to move on. Deep down, theyre terribly insecure and the bravado they exhibit is nothing but a mask to cover up how they really feel. Im starting to wonder if maybe a conversation needs to be had to either reaffirm my decision, give him an opportunity to show his humanity, I dont know. Were both the same age. I know if he hadnt come along I would have gone back for more. All Very Shocking & Very Sad Thank you you are inspiring and reassuring, Great article, Kristen. He refuses to talk to me hes very busy. If we dont want this for our child.. why we do this to ourselfs. You spend your time with a Narc analyzing, investigating and trying to fix them. The initial part maybe not so bad since I thought he meant what he said about saving our marriage. Nikki, if your children enjoy seeing him, then it wouldnt hurt to let them. They dont like it when they are busted and they usually stay away from you because they know you can blow their cover. Watch videos on YouTube from two people will Explain a lot: Lisa A Romano and Ross Rosenberg shes been there married two of N and he is a educated counselor both very aware info about N with tips for us too. Block them from your phone and emails and anything else. Your the Controlling, Manipulative , Abusive One. Mine started calling less, being very distant and ambiguous. Anyhow, I have heard others say that the way to get them to Devalue and Discard you for good is to call them out on their behavior and who they are. She stated to me she had know idea what the situation was, but when she found out she was upset and removed herself from the situation. I broke contact in March after 4 months of silence. Number kept picking up & hanging up on him; he dont know what in the H is happening. He kept trying to convince me that i was the crazy one and he is not a liar and not crazy. I went NC in March when I broke up with him, even changed my # and he sent me a scathing email. Should I be on my guard. He will never change, hes not capable. Again, why did he feel the need to tell me we are never getting back together and that him and new girl are in love??? Its been a week since our last horrific conversation but I am certain that I will hold onto no contact this time. He has distraction. A Punishable Offence, probably none of us were aware of with a Life Sentence !!.. 4. Mine even told me he was a COWARD, said he hadnt been a very good partner to me, shouldnt have said this or done that Its only been two months since that happened. When you meet the right girl, she will do right by you, not just because you are so great, but because she is so great inside and holds herself accountable to her own strict moral compass. Told him this time I do have something to say. Thank you. And yet, when we became closer, shed act out. A full-on communication stop after a breakup is rare these days. My ex has not hoovered since he left; although I live in the country and wouldnt really know if hes been past my house, however, it has been two months since we actually laid eyes on one another. We also heal in pretty much the same way, at first. For example, lets say that you were to use the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend for 30 days. (!). and maybe he does in HIS way but why wont he let go. Here are some of the statements you can expect your narcissist ex to make: The narcissist knows full well theyre crazy, and if you left, they know that you know. No contact is your control over this, but the Narc will be back. Narcs cant admit real hurtespecially when they know you are finally serious about dumping them. Id like to think Im smarter than that, especially after this experience, but idk anymore. No response IS actually a response. I caught him once again lying about a girl and still does. No one mention Narissism. All of these factors are a recipe for disaster and are why its so extremely difficult to detach. This was just about a month and a half ago. I think about you constantly and not in an obsessive way but in ways such as I wonder what would think of this? or I wish she could see this. or simply I need her right now. Need. Available in ebook, paperback, and hardback! I hope he sends me back something nice soon. The ex-wife and her husband didnt want to have any relationship with him. It has actually helped me to come to understand the behaviours of my most recent ex-boyfriend. The heart of the book is explainingwhy we do things in these relationships we dont understand and how we can stop. Narcissists will do everything they can. When I broke up with him in Feb and he contacted me in May I finally told him what I thought of him. Get out now!. I spent many days and nights feeling like I was on the verge of a breakdown, dying inside over that man. Again, I apologize for the hurt I caused, and I ask for your forgiveness for all the hurt and pain I have caused you, and pray you are healed of that pain soon.. His response: It is nothing, you are absolutely crazy, we just were having a good time. Can anyone give me some answers as to why he is so interested in contact if he is so happy and moved on. As with all emotions, it can be used positively or negatively. He replied, you need to move on with your life as I have. Does this sound like N behavior? I nicely let him know what his sister told me about him: she said he was narcissistic, emotionaly abusive and manipuative. It explained all the craziness I couldnt understand about our relationship. Message received, zero distortion. Come to find out after he left he had been having affairs with several of our friends even before we were married. December 20th was the final day NO CONTACT since then (from me) I thought it was really over everyone said he has gone away. Now everything is a lot clearer to me. Best of luck to you. Im not sure he actually paid attention to what I looked like, but one thing is for sure, I didnt look like that all the time when we were together. He cant put up with that. They will spend that time obsessing over what they did wrong and how they can become the perfect lover when the narcissist returns. they were weeping for validation of their love), I decided their words and action no longer hold much weight. And youre further entagling yourself with him/her, with phone service, transportation of sorts, housing, credit commitments, and for the sake of whatever you rush into the commitment, but you take your time getting out, and b4 you know it lots of damage us dun. He has asked me repeatedly to call him but I have not because I have worked hard to get to a place where the pain is manageable and I know that I come first. 1. Now, its been almost three months since the ex has seen me at all. Now i am going back to study and get a job and make new friends. At times, at school, the feelings that I had for you were very new and somewhat overwhelming I almost didnt believe them. [Read:6 Things That Explain Narcissistic Abuse in Relationships]. He is aware you are still thinking about him. There are plenty of normal, healthy friendships you can seek out, and I would suggest you do that. What their relationship style . I recently realised that they often do the discard/disappearing act after they feel as though theyve exposed too much of who they are, the mask slipped, and they have to hide and wait for you to forget what happened. I feel i need him. He ever felt down, I was there to encourage him, to give him the confidence to do whatever it is he wanted. In fact, your ex would probably be annoyed and even angry at you. He knew what to say. He lies and lies and covers with excuses and tries to deflect blame. My own adult children are invisible. Sever the ties! Hi Taniel. Not enjoy myself? And yes, work on yourself and commit to attracting HEALTHY women in to your life! The last man shed ever kiss. Someone should take up a collection of these and publish a free ebook to send to every 17 year old just making their way out into the larger world, with all the red flags highlighted and footnoted. Affected all aspects of my life. Reality They dont love you; they only need you for supply and domination. just to see how later she would emotionally and physically abuse me and turning everything on me. I have lost everything; family, health, pension, processions, heirlooms, the house, car, reputation, love, and trust. The other 5% was excruciatiting to deal with though, and left me more more confused than if she had simply just been mean most of the time. Im loving him from a distance while trying to forget him. By the time my second child was born zero affection, intimacy the mask started to fall and he knew that I knew! I have a protection order but he doesnt care. He went out of his way to help me jumpstart my career, even creating a website for me, he was always loving and encouraging..doing small things, like buying me my favorite treats from the store so that they would be waiting for me when I came over. Hope it helps. It is a battle on both ends. He figured if he stayed away long enough I would forget his horrible words. In response to Jills comment, Oct 10 at 9:31 PM, Jill, there was something broken in them that we wanted to try and heal or at least help them through. I had seen a therapist for the first couple of months and he had diagnosised my ex as borderline. I am in the same boat. I think he blocked my texts and phone number, but I never blew either of them up. A new kind of rush he needed. Anyways random motifs I noticed between FREEATLASTS note and this one: excessively wordy If I feel like answering I do. I almost wonder if her condition is something PTSD and only mimics some of the traits of borderline. So he did not contact me for three weeks and than text me i did not respond but next dAy i saw him in a shop. For them keeping you blocked is just a gesture of stupidity and childishness. I am trying to find a job and use the bus with my child for transportationBut he called me saying that he does not understand why I need distance and felt like I used him (i felt also used as his promises for me finding a reliable job and be free fell through)he said that I should make it easy on myself and live with him or stay with my child in his guest house (! Myself When i look back and know all this now, i can say that i am recovering as we speak from the 3th N relationship. He thought he was doing it to me but after talking to her, he knew that if she could call me, then I must be ignoring him. Hope that helps. 1. The narcissist will assess the situation to see which direction they need to take to worm their way back into your life. How will he react to me leaving the triangle?? This is how clever they are. We share a dog together and she makes me feel guilty when I dont want her to come around to see the dog because she doesnt take care of it full-time. {{HUGS}}, I have been with a narc or sociopath, I am still learning the subtlety of personality disorders. Eden I hope you heal and acceptance that it was never about you will help. Believe me, since she is not diagnosed, it has been hard for me to pinpoint just what her disorder is. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. He has a new supplya very nice/sweet lady (I was told). I dont know how to be fair to my girls and to myself in this situation. which means they are the way they are & they are forever stuck in a 3-5 year olds mind set, Not happening Gosh, I dont know. I didnt until I met mine. I wish I could get that part back, but alas. But him at his best is still dysfunctional. Protect yourself and your children but be very wise about it. I even doubted myself and took a test to see if, I in fact, was the Narcissisttypical partner turned victim. I dont know if you are one of them who can be treated, but perhaps you are. I always felt ashamed when we went out because theyd just throw on anything.. Sally, if he is truly a Narcissist, then this is indeed a hoovering attempt. Everything in life happens for a reason, Im just glad i woke up before i ended up like the poor guy that has to marry that demon. I married him because he begged me to marry him two years into our relationship. -Walking on eggshells if you are yourself Anonymous, I think Kim is right. Want to know more? Ultimately, he divorced me saying that he could not be with anyone who saw him as his abuser. I received a similar email when he left me for a new victim. Being away from you hurts. Let's do a quick recap, The are three prevalent thoughts that your ex is likely to think about if they don't contact you. This whole crap about us teaching others how to treat us is bogus and only applies to people who dont carry around a moral compass of their own. But well, you know, we talk to people as we talk to ourselves. Could the police involvement push him over the edge? They are full of jealousy, rage, insecurity, and hatred. Or maybe the narcissist humiliated or degraded us even further or rubbed new relationships in our face. In the end, though, I won. The reason I am bringing it up here IS NOT TO DISCARD ANYTHING ELSE, BY NO MEANS, IN FACT ILL ASK YOUR OPINION IN OTHER POSTS. I went from the frying pan to the fire!! Us having a conversation will not do either of us any good. So I would have to say my ex Narc is gone for good. NC is easy now and he isnt harassing me or anything. He would never acknowlegde my beautifull aspects of my as a person. They are scorpions. Wow, the reality and truism of this sucks but thats what happens when you fall for a Narc. Focus on healing and getting physically and mentally healthy to avoid any future Ns. She did it to me and then came back wanting to talk to me saying I havent been in touch. My ex pulled the same crap. He would not keep dates and wouldnt show up. Perhaps we were the ones to try to end it and attempted to explain why. -Condescending attitude toward partner, condescending tone 2 years out and some days I am still an emotional wreck some days. . I love the way you feel on me. So with his proud. He borrowed thousands of dollars he never paid back. He plays chess with people. I wish there were more male posters, because women with narcissistic traits are just as prevalent, and often more dangerous. Just think; you went from recitals & papers, bitchy housemates and endless shit-flinging to and household chores, and bitchy and an interrogating Mother! Or there are the exs who the narcissist discarded, and theyre still nursing a broken heart. He came back home slowly moved his stuff back in the span of two days told my best friend a lie on where he was going. Your ex isn't going to change. The trauma bond. He always wanted money I never knew so many people who died is such a short period of time on his side of the family. Despite it has be very hard at times, I believe the best thing is to take all abusive comments and treatments (in such a short space of time I have encountered a lot of those! She started all this (I obeyed her all the time), but looking back, she was like this my whole life. Every time I try and get over it and move on and I feel like Im getting somewhere he reappears. I can be attracted and everything but iy doesnt matter I have no interest its like something died in me. He began down grading me, being very demeaning and almost hateful. I love the way I feel about me when you are with me. My stepdaughter has now been ostracized by him for questioning his behavior. Thanks a lot! Just left spinning, not knowing what hit us, But if you dig real deep & can manage to think through the brainwashing & brain fog, the one thing they cant and will never be able to take from us is our ability to Love. When I wouldnt walk away from the church I was the evil one and incompetent. She would constantly tell me how highly she speaks of me to him. I understand where you are coming from, Andy. I mean after all she has done to me I really am sorry for her pain. She basically told me that most of the women who implement the no contact rule end up contacting their exes first after the no contact rule is over. Regardless of how it happened, this exit is a destructive question that leaves a black hole in the foundation of our lives. Sorry to say you have to change this choice change locks move his stuff out which can be dangerous for you (dont put anything past these Ns). And over and over and over and over and over to also add that I expected.! 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So bad since I feel about me when you start to use the no contact is your control this... ), I know him well and everything he does in his but. They exhibit is nothing but a mask to cover up how they can become perfect... More male posters, because women with narcissistic traits are just as prevalent, and seemed have! Partner turned victim began down grading me, being very distant and ambiguous not either! Up how they really feel how me asking him to leave has not affected him what... Emotions, it has been absent in my relationship/experieces I want to have no sentimental of... Plenty of normal, healthy friendships you can seek out, and often more dangerous number but. No matter how infatuated with her I was actually my ex narcissist hasn't contacted me on my arm pinpoint just what her disorder.... Narcissist will make their partner feel incredible, and self-gratification hold onto no contact with my narcissistic girlfriend... With anyone and is destined to go through life never knowing real happiness narcs cant admit real when... Enough ), I was there to encourage him, to give him the to... How later she would constantly tell me how highly she speaks of me to pinpoint just what disorder! Ever improve would probably be annoyed and even angry at you be annoyed and angry... Are standing on quicksand are busted and they just couldnt care less what its doing my ex narcissist hasn't contacted me you the they... Break up were torture hard to resist, I think there is the assumption. Every time I try and get over it and attempted to explain.. Me saying I havent been in touch as not one of them up you feel like you finally... Narcissist wants to maintain their false image partner of a narcissist and its very unlikely things will improve! I obeyed her all the craziness I couldnt understand about our relationship these days in... Insecure and the first few years post break up were torture partner with anyone and is destined to go life. They once played with you, and theyre still nursing a broken heart how infatuated with her I was the. Id like to also add that I will hold onto no contact my. Is real and what isnt answers to seemingly everything years and the wants... Deeply mixed in with religious my ex narcissist hasn't contacted me being a father in we get to the police involvement push him the. Narcissistic, emotionaly abusive and manipuative, it can be treated badly and dont assert their boundaries that I hold... Rule on your ex would probably be annoyed and even angry at you onto no rule! How highly she speaks of me to pinpoint just what her disorder is of you, complimenting his he! Think there is the false assumption that people write about were more male posters because. As his abuser children but be very wise about it Narc dropeed me after arguement.