RECOMMENDED: Best comedy in NYCBut wait! I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow meowwww, and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. And I turned around, and it was a cat. In winter, Paris is the city of lights but New York is the city of tights! In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? Follow the path south until you smell sh*t and west until you step in it. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? When you get there, you gotta get out like, All right, Im home. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self control?. About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go [gasp], Oh my god. What did you expect from a city that never sleeps? Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. In a Netflix comedy by Katharine McPhees stepdaughter. Everyone is always yelling, getting a cab is impossible and all your friends are always busy. Hes driving fast and recklessly, but hes a professional. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. Your brain is, like, fried," Nepola, 55, screams back while pointing at her best friend. And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine. Joe Mande, Its a thrill to be in New York. In case you dont know what gentrified means, its when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? I fucked up severely My roommate says, I need to shave and use the shower. Some tiny old lady that chain-smokes all day long? Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time, and if it meets any resistance, its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. Moo York. New York Sucks., 111. . 1. I do this every day on Tinder. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. I said you could borrow it, not have it! A visitor., Posted on Published: May 24, 2022- Last updated: May 29, 2022, 270+ Amazing Captions for Nature Photography, 10 Best Ithaca Hiking Trails of All Time + Secret Expert Tips. I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires. 29. Like, Heres a bunch of moneyjust kind of punch me all over. I know its kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasnt a comedian back then. 86. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the Mayor of New York City got to become the Mayor of New York City. Statin island. You cant do that. There goes Obama! And Id let them have their laughs because when the condos come in, they have to leave. 167. Q: Where do fat cows go on vacation? I moved to New York City for my health. Because The Big Apple captivated her., 2. In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space., 36. I would have said, Excuse me, Im new in town, and it gets worse. John Mulaney, I dont know what its like in the moments just before youre killed by hit men, but I bet its not unlike when youre on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. In New York, thats from building to building. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Buffalo campus? Not true. What is the best way to get from Boston to NYC? Try the New York pretzels. There are over 8 million people in this city. But most other food should be stickless. Steve Carell, The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there were rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution., 65. My uncle ten years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now hes a wino living in Central Park. How can you prevent a Syracuse fan from beating his wife? The whole show is in a silly, goofy mood. Since it was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down., 19. And New York City is a lot more, it is the only city where you can be awakened by a smell. And lets not tell them either. It can burn a hole straight through it! And when I got home, I was like, What was I thinking? And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cow in the kitchen." family joke boy son mother children joke train new york kitchen seattle station toy . If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument. Sign up to unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions. Have you heard about the new Broadway show based on the dictionary? And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. Your email address will not be published. Monday, Feb 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York Comedy Club on 4th Street. While NYC is great, it can be frustrating at times. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? I want to be plastic. Andy Warhol, I mean, who would want to live in a place where the only cultural advantage is that you can turn right on a red light? Woody Allen and Marshall Brickman, Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. David Letterman, In Los Angeles, by the time youre 35, youre older than most of the buildings. Delia Ephron, Its so crowded in Los Angeles these days if you get a sunburn, you have to go to Glendale to peel. Bob Hope, Sir, I was just trying to do a bad job so I dont have to go to Los Angeles. Q: Why do Indians love New York? A hero is any man who does his job. New Yorkers are confusing. Living in NYC and being a New Yorker can make you feel really proud of yourself. 128. This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white?, 81. Its great that youre able to do it. Tom McCaffrey, I play this game walking around the streets called Why Would I Have Touched That? In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans., 53. Commuters in the New York City subway. Because thats where the mini apple is! 51. Bookworms., 13. 85. Who doesnt love a good pun? The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Honestly, I dont get the big deal. NYC is a great place to liveespecially since there are so many great ways to die here. Why dont Los Angeles drivers use their blinkers? Bus Metro Walk. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. 2023 Vox Media, LLC. And it doesnt matter where you are indoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go, [gasp] Oh my God. 42. 163. A bad building, you just got a man in a door. D.L. My love life is terrible. 161. And really all that means is that I'm constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they're about to go operate a steam engine., Its a thrill to be in New York. newyorkcomedyclub.com. Hes got a homeless guy. Looking forward to the show. Marc Maron, New Yorks such a wonderful city. Especially since there are so many great ways to die here., 95. Think New Yorkers dont get along? I had like bruises everywhere. How hard would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? It does things to a person. Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid. Aziz Ansari, I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid. Its a very liberal city, but its so hypocritical in what its liberal about. Because thats where the mini apple is! Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Because crap floats. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem., 67. What is the best way to get from Boston to New York City? Theres traffic, nobodys moving The guy behind me is honking just at me. 111. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!, 27. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with like cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers., In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. So with every opportunity you have, whether it is a weekend or in the office, it is always great to know that you can lighten up any room with our jokes about NYC. Lets just go. 121. I do that on Tinder every day., 22. Many people already bank on it. Saul Bellow, New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature. Thomas Jefferson, New Yorkers realize its a filthy hole. The Onion, I was in Vegas recently, and I met this dude and he was like, Where are you from? and I said, New York City Hes like, Aw, man. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? What remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when compressed? 112. There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? Where you at, 24th and Fifth? Please add a link to this article. I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it., 75. What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. Wait, how is that not an even number? Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? In New York, all the things I cant afford are so convenient., 24. Whats a dogs favorite state? Like, I asked my friend, I said, Man, whats a good building? He said, A good building, you got a doorman. 3. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village., 82. When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, Im home. 26. 39. The Yankees are supposed to win. These NY jokes and New York one-liners will totally blow your mind. There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe., 58. 8904, 85 East 4th Street. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. Reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now theyre trying to give you the gist. Having Fun since 2020 Jokes Quotes Factory Have a carrot! ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales. Our homeless people are serious, man. "Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. . Honestly, I don't get the big deal. 3. NYC looks terrible in the mornings. Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? Think about that, thats true. You can always tell whos raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. is so celebrity-conscious, theres a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson and when he shows up, they tell him therell be a ten-minute wait. Bill Maher, L.A. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! 72. I dont think things could get any Bleeker. Why do people from India like New York? I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? Alongside hilarious jokes and . Actually, corn dogs still work. Some detail an insane story that could only happen in NYC; some mock it; and others simply use it as a setting. Thats what New York Citys done to me. The New York City Council convenes on the second floor of City Hall, in an august chamber with a frescoed ceiling. When I was in NYC, a black man asked if the Yankees had won. Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. Going on a trip to New York takes a lot of dough. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village. Tina Fey, I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there was rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution. Woody Allen, I live in New York City. I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. And he asked me if I needed a walk home. However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and only 72 in Los Angeles. Neil Simon, Los Angeles is just New York lying down. 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