I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. Its not weird to them. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. i really disliked him. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. If not, you need to sort this out. Have a bbq with friends. By the time She thought he would change, and he hasnt. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. All I will say is that I could not be with this man. Just because I didnt want to start over again. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? Anonymousse LW real advice. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. Or go to batting cages. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? Maybe something is up with his family? I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. January 4, 2021, 3:30 am. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? allathian The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my Bklyn Grl No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. Its weird. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. I like to relax at home. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. Like he was programmed that way. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. Tax Geek ReginaRey A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. At least, most of the time. The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. At best, a season and a half. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. artsielady. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. hops the bus and goes straight home. Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! bluesunday Geocaching!!!! Make plans for activities. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. It doesnt scream big problem to me. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. Your June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. And if they live together. allathian And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. CottonTheCuteDog I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. 5. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. In relationships as well before was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move home! Cant deal for the LW should just talk about the big issues in general,... 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